You actually left the house? My First West Allis Bar Review

What I'm Listening To: Chase Me by Hexstatic

We were getting stir-crazy sitting around the house last night, so we decided to go out. Now, as I'm loathe to admit, it's tough scaring up people to go out with on short notice, so we just went by ourselves. Oh yeah, did I mention that we went at like 7 PM on a Saturday night? Yeah. We did.

Before you leave the house, obviously you have to decide where to go. We had talked about going to Bryant's, that retro-lounge that just reopened over in Bay View. But let me be totally honest with you, I just didn't have enough energy to deal with the pretentious granola crapola that makes up the Bay View bar scene. Oh, that, and I think that you have to dress up for Bryant's or something. I don't know, too much work for this lazy West Alien...ha ha!!

While we're on the subject of West Allis bars, let me tell you a little story about the first time Jim and I ventured out to find a neighborhood hangout. So we'd been living in our new house for a couple months, and we're like, "Hey, we drive past like 20 bars a day on our way home from the State Fair park-and-ride lot every night. We should find a cool bar that we can hang out at after work. The best part is that we won't have to drive there -- we could even WALK HOME. Whoo hoo!" So the search was on to find a cool West Allis bar to quench our thirst after work.

I'm super excited. I mean, everyone in Stallis seems so down to earth. So unpretentious, so fun. I don't have to get all dressed up anymore, because wearing pj's to the Pick n' Save is like wearing a tux to the opera around here. This is gonna be awesome!!!

Our first foray into this nightlife wonderland was a place called "Glen and Carla's Chat-a-while" which was right down the street from us on Becher. Okay, it was the name that got me. Oh, that and I was hoping for a glimpse of Glen. Or Carla. I was somewhat concerned about how we'd come across, so Jim's wearing a tshirt and jeans, and I'm wearing a tshirt and jeans. Nothing fancy. I'm thinking our outfits screamed "Townie!". No matter. We walk in on a Saturday night around 9 PM, and swear to god, every head in the place swivels to check us out. It was a tiny place, and they all glared at us, like we'd let sunlight into their little mold factory. Sheesh. Uh, I'm wearing the West Allis uniform, people. Maybe I should have worn my pj's?? WTF!

So we lumber over to this gorgeous old-fashioned wooden bar, and sat there. And sat there. And sat there. We're staring at these "commemorative" plates behind the bar, just mesmerized by the schlock. Okay, think of every patriotic cliche you know -- eagles, sobbing American Indians, purple mountain majesty, eagles, amber waves of grain, fluttering flags, stars and stripes, eagles, oh, did I mention eagles -- and then put it on a china plate and stick it up behind your bar. The only thing that was missing was George W. Bush standing there singing the national anthem on repeat. Oh, and propped up next to these glorious bits of Americana was a little hand-written sign that said "We sell Avon." Like that's what I'm thinking as I down my fifth Schlitz: "Cripes, I've run out of Avon's "Sexy Siren Red", wonder if they have any at Glen and Carla's".

Finally, after about 10 minutes -- I'm not kidding -- the bartender saunters over like she's never seen us before. "Oh, hey, you want a drink?" And there's where I made my first mistake. I asked for a vodka tonic and the bartender just smirked at me. "Third Ward asshole", she's thinking. Plain ol' Smirnoff's is fine, too. Drink comes, and of course, the tonic's completely flat, and there's no lime anywhere. Just my luck. Jim was smart, and asked for a Miller product...in a bottle.

FIRST RULE OF WEST ALLIS BARS: Don't order a drink that has more than 2 ingredients, or you'll get a dirty look, a flat drink, and probably both. If it comes in a single-serving bottle, it's a sure bet.

Here's how the rest of the night goes down. Drink my flat drink. Play the "Either-Or" game with Jim, which is good for about 15 minutes before we run out of candidates. Stare at the plates on the bar, which the bartender so kindly informs us are for sale. Yay. A cute shaggy dog comes into the bar, and starts sniffing our ankles. I lean over to pet the dog, and it scurries off like a furry cockroach. Throughout this entire hour-long ordeal we are completely and utterly ignored by the patrons, the dog, and, most of the time, the bartender.

SECOND RULE OF WEST ALLIS BARS: If you want to have a decent conversation, round up a couple people to come to the bar with you, more than just your spouse. Seriously. Because no one else will talk to you.

After about an hour of overwhelming excitement, we just left and walked home. I could tell you a couple more stories about other crappy neighborhood dive bars that we've investigated, but the story is the same every time. Walk in, get the hairy eyeball, look around at the dim lighting and the blaring sporting event on the TV, drink one drink, get thoroughly ignored. Needless to say, I'm not too keen on West Allis hospitality.

So after the past birdseed experiences, it was a tough decision to go to this place over on S. 88th and Greenfield...the Lil Downtown Lounge.

We'd read about this new place online and hey, from the pictures it looked pretty interesting. But right off the bat, Jim and I failed the one rule of going out: We arrived at our destination before 10 PM. Actually, we arrived at like 7 PM. And, duh, what do you think the bar was like? DEAD. Completely empty. But we were so antsy we had to get out, so we sat down and had drinks with Sam, the owner (well, at least that's what his picture says in the online article about the place).

We had two beers apiece and just sat there on our barstools and listened to the oldies radio station. I mean, the bar's decorated a la TJ Maxx furniture department (no, I'm serious. Some of those fake plants looked awfully familiar to me, the girl who haunts the discount stores for interior decorating assistance) and dark red walls, with a bar neon-lit from underneath. How can I accurately give you a vibe for this place when we were the only people there? So, we stayed til 8:30 PM and headed out. Maybe we'll go back at a later date, and definitely at a later time.

Maybe if I'm up to it, we'll review some more West Allis bars for you. For now, you're just going to have to experience it on your own. Good luck with that!