Please don't Google me...I'm begging you.

What I'm Listening to: 7/4 (Shoreline) by Broken Social Scene

Please don't Google me. I'm telling you there's nothing out there. I hear it all the time on TV when we're talking about finding out the dirt on someone, "Oh, I just Googled them." And I'm sure all the rocket scientists are just begging you to Google them, so they can brag about how they solved Nuclear Hypothesis #1574.42 after they drank like two 40's and scarfed down a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. But me? Nothing. Oh, I think I wrote something for some local rag back in the 90s. But that's it. So quit now, for real. Honestly, I am the BORINGEST person on the face of this planet.

But of course, I have Googled myself. And let me tell you what I learned: Abigail is like the most popular name in the universe right now. Jesus, everybody and their grandma is named Abigail. It's annoying. Okay, when I was growing up in the 80s, I swear NOBODY had my name. Not Abigail, not Abby, not Abi, nothing. And since no other girls my age were named Abigail, that means little ol' 8-year-old me didn't get any rolls of stickers or cute little pink bicycle license plate or sassy sparkly pencils or ANYTHING CUTE with her name on them like all the other little girls did. So after a while you kinda get this complex like, "hey, my name is so dumb that no one even wants it on their sparkly pencil." At 8 years old, I was so overwhelmed that I almost considered changing my name to something common like Lisa or Michelle, just so I could get some crappy name stuff of my own. Sigh.

But now? Sheesh! I was in an airport a while back and I'm looking at the crappy geegaws in some shabby gift shop and what do I find? A KEYCHAIN with a plastic neon green flip flop on it. And what did the ugliest flip flop in the world say on it? ABIGAIL. So, hell yes I bought that sucker right there! I still have it. It is AWESOME. I am so happy with my fugly flip flop keychain, 'cause now I'm like all the other girls! YAYAYAY! I am now on the lookout for the ugliest souvenier I can find with my full name on it. Keep an eye out for me, 'kay?

PS: Uh, yeah. I did notice that my "A is for Abigail" book image at the top of this blog was a book written by Lynn Cheney. And it's just the rotten icing on my cake of pity, people. Ugh.

PPS: Uh, even my fave site Jezebel.com is running out of blog ideas...bc they're stealing mine! :) Check it out!