Driving myself crazy!

What I'm Listening To: Believe by The Bravery

It's been snowing and sleeting and raining and basically weathering here in lovely Wisconsin for the past few weeks. And as we all know, bad weather equals bad driving. With all the examples of poor driving judgment calls begging me to make examples for you, I thought I'd put together a blog all about my favorite activity in the whole world -- driving (ha!) -- and the idiots that inhabit our roads.

As someone who failed her driving test THREE TIMES while in high school (don't worry, I finally passed!), I think I have earned the right to make scathing comments about other people's driving. According to my sister, I drive "like a grandma" (and our grandma had a temper, for sure!), and rightly so. I have had TWO accidents in my entire driving career, and both of them were someone else's fault. Top that safety record!! So come along with me as I ridicule, report and hopefully rectify my fellow road warriors' horrid driving habits.

TAILGATERS -- Excuse me, sir? If you get up my ass any more, you're going to be able to brush my teeth! So LAY OFF. I don't give a goody two-shoes where you're going, but you'll get there eventually. And driving so close to my bumper that I can't even see your headlights isn't gonna help you any when I decide to slam on my brakes so you can pick my chrome out of your teeth, you impatient ass!

One time I was trading similar driving horror stories with a friend of mine, and she's like, "You should brake check those asses!" and I was totally clueless. Turns out brake checking is tapping your brakes repeatedly so that the person gets all pissed off that you might be braking, or god forbid, slowing down. When I'm lucky these jerks just pass me and then I get to exercise one of my fingers -- guess which one?!

CELL PHONES -- Just hang up. No one is that important that you have to talk to them while you're driving. I don't care if Joe Bob left you for Mary Sue and now you think your kid might have ringworm and if you don't talk about the whole horrifying mess of human hellaciousness that is your life right now with your friend Joleene while tooling down the street in your Ford Fiesta you might just die....no one really cares, seriously!! HANG UP. Or better yet, pull over and chat away. Good luck with that ringworm problem -- I hear it's a bitch to get rid of.

NO SIGNAL -- Here's something I see every day on the highway. It's like the driver's thoughts go something like this: "Oh, I gotta get off at this next exit. Might as well just zip into this lane in front of everyone. What? Give them a signal that I'm changing lanes? Why the heck would I want to do that? Life is surprises! Get with the program! See ya!"

What is so difficult about flicking a little knob on your car's steering wheel? Is it like physically impossible for you to touch that knob? Did they not teach you about that in drivers ed? I mean, really. Coming from me, the girl who FAILED her driving test once because she didn't pull over for an ambulance, this is just a no-brainer.

SLOW TURNS -- Why is it that whenever someone wants to turn in front of me, they have to do it at 1 mile an hour? Is turning the wheel so physically daunting that you have to slow down to a snail's pace to accomplish it? It's not like we're playing Pole Position here, people. Turning a little faster isn't gonna make you spin out, even with some snow under your tires. Jeeez, live a tad!

BLIND SPOT -- Every time we drive down Lincoln and I'm getting ready to turn right onto our street, someone is just sitting there in my blind spot. What do you people do, plan this birdseed? I'm serious, EVERY TIME I drive down Lincoln. I call it the Blind Spot Curse.

Well, there's a lot more I could add, but I can't think of any right now. Usually they come to me on the road...go figure! Drive safely, and for cripe's sake, drive sanely!