What I'm Listening To: The Creeps by Camille Jones (yay, Fedde le Grand!)It's gonna be Thanksgiving in like 20 minutes, people. What are the lovely Reagans doing for this delicious holiday, you may ask? Well, gee, let me tell you!
First of all, we are having company over to Casa Reagan. Jim's brother, wife and two children will be traveling all the way from Atlanta, Georgia to join us for Thursday's feast. My teenage niece and nephew-in-laws are a real treat. We call them Tweek (the niece) and Turtle (the nephew) respectively. Tweek is a 18-year-old ADD-afflicted 12-sided-dice microchip, and Turtle is just the cutest 16-year-old sloth you've ever seen. We heart them to death! Pat and Sue are fine, for grown-ups. At least they won't bitch when Turtle wants to play another round of Call of Duty 27 and Tweek is talking a mile a minute about her love of Tolkien, Hello Kitty and the Beatles, and oh wait, do you want to go run around the block again? So we're just gonna sit back and be entertained.
Speaking of entertaining, we aren't really going out of our way for Pat and crew. As you may know, I can't cook. Well, it's not really that I can't cook. It's that I hate cooking. My lack of patience makes a lot of tasks pretty difficult, but cooking's one of the worst. I mean, waiting for something to bake is torture!! I can't stand it! So forget it. Seriously!
Anyway, we decided that instead of killing ourselves cooking a turkey and the all the requisite sides we are going to have Rupena's do it for us. Yes folks, a catered Thanksgiving. For a very appealing price tag, you can get a whole turkey, stuffing, potatoes, vegetable, rolls, gravy, cranberry sauce and a nice pumpkin pie, all without lifting a finger! Oh, you can just shut your disapproving mouth right now. I am so sick of being chastised about taking the easy way out here. Here's how that went. We're on the bus, right, and I said to Jim, "You're gonna call Rupena's today about the turkey later?" and he agrees. Now, I didn't really want to get into why I wasn't cooking with my bus friends, but then we had to explain what I mean about Rupena's, and three seconds later it's a chorus of, "oh, a home-cooked meal is what Thanksgiving is all about. You really should cook your own turkey. It's so eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeassssy!"
Yeah, right. It's so easy. I was talking to a friend at work who was describing her Thankgiving ritual. "Okay, so first I'll need defrost the turkey for TWO DAYS (emphasis mine), then soak it in brine (WTF is brine, people? Isn't that like pickle juice or something?), then I'm gonna...." and after that I just tuned her out. That sounds like the worst gastronomic torture ever. Brine? Two days of defrosting? And then there's the delicate choreography of making sure all the sides come out of the oven at the right time so that you can put everything on the table together and be all Martha Steward about it. And don't forget the decorations! Sheesh, I'd rather perform drunk Lasik surgery on my own eyeballs than make a freakin turkey dinner. I can see it now -- mix one turkey dinner, multiple timing issues, my hair-trigger temper and the fact that I have the patience level of a Veruca Salt. Shake until combustion occurs. Result: One really pathetic holiday meal, and everybody's hungry and pissed off as a result. Yay!
So we're not cooking, just serving. I don't care what anyone says anymore. And you know what? I think we'll use paper plates, too, just to keep it all casual and Stallis-style. We might even serve Schlitz, but that's still under debate.
Be advised, I am warning you right now: on Monday 12/1 I don't want to hear about your deep-friend Cajun turkey with cornbread stuffing and how Paula Dean came over and make her famous sweet potatoes and how you can't believe we gave up so easily and ordered in. Whatever. I'm just thankful that we won't have any dishes to wash afterwards...unlike the pile of filthy porcelain that some sorry-asses will be stuck with!!! HA!
Happy Thanksgiving, haters! :)
5 comments:
Who soaks their turkey in brine? That sounds like something my great grandma might have done. Neither of my grandmas nor my mother EVER soaked their turkey in brine. And easy is sort of relative. It's not that big of a deal, but you can't just put it in the oven and walk away and not tend to it for the next two or four or however many hours. It takes some tending to, you know?
And it's Stewart -- Martha Stewart, not Steward. The steward works on a plane, fyi.
P.S. you can tell the people who disapprove that Roz has had holiday meals catered in the past. So, they can cram it with walnuts.
Ok, am I to infer that you served this meal on disposable plates? THAT I'll judge you for . . .
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