Book Review: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Aren't vampires cute? Not this one!

What I'm Listening To: All Cried Out by Fink

Last night I finished reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. First off, the fact that the author spells her name StephEnie bugs me. Just wanted to get that out there. But that's not the only thing that bugs me about this book. Oh, don't worry, I'll tell you everything!

Jim and I were vacationing in Door County in August with my uncle and his family, and I saw that my teenage cousin was reading this book. As we all know, I am a devotee of all things teen-timer-y, from Gossip Girl to the Clique books. Anywhoo, I made a mental note to request this book from the library when we got back to civilization. I also looked it up on Amazon, and saw all the tweenie raves, so it was a total duh book choice for me.

So I FINALLY got the book about a week ago (after being on the library waiting list for like a month!), but it took me a couple days to get to it, because I was in the middle of another book. I didn't mind waiting -- reading two books at the same time gets too confusing -- and I was kinda putting off reading Twilight because I was afraid I would be disappointed by yet ANOTHER neo-gothic vampire tale. Just so you know, Jim and I are not vampire nutbags, but we don't mind a bloody neck or two. We're watching TrueBlood on HBO, and boy, we don't even pause that one for snarky comments, we like it so much!

I finally finished my other book, and started reading Twilight. What's kinda weird about this book is the fact that all the current tired cliches and props that are recycled in a lot of Meyer's contemporaries' teen novels -- ie, dropping high couture brands Prada, Coach and Juicy Couture every three paragraphs, referencing text messages as actual dialogue, or treating the computer as if it could actually be a secondary character -- are curiously absent here. It was refreshing, to say the least. I mean, once or twice Meyer made mention of what Bella and Edward were wearing, but the descriptions was so vague that the book could have been set in the 1950s from what she told us about their outfits. There were no pop culture references, no mobile phone discussions, and not even a paltry designer jean can be found in Forks, Washington. Is this chick Bella even for real? Or does Meyer strive to appeal to the timelessness of the vampire myth by completely stripping her story of cultural touchpoints?

Along with providing you with a bare-bones character, we are supposed to believe that Edward is in love with 17-year-old Bella, and that Bella is in love with 85-year-old-but-looks-17 Edward. Okay, people? Edward is a VAMPIRE. Bella is a HUMAN. Edward loves Bella like a lion loves a big fat gazelle. But the difference here is that Edward doesn't want to kill Bella because he wants to prove that he can CONTROL his "thirsting". What. Ever. Edward goes on and on about how much he loves Bella and how much he wants to protect and cherish her because, get this, she SMELLS GOOD. But really, it's like a carnivore who is trying to be a vegetarian. Sadness abounds. And Bella loves Edward because he's preternaturally beautiful. That, and he's super strong, super fast and, oh, didn't I mention? Super foxy! Whoopie!

After a while, I got so fed up with the melodramatic protestations of love and longing between these two saps that I wanted Edward to just kill the bitch and get it over with already!!! But I won't lie (to use an Anne phrase) I read that book in like a day. I couldn't stop turning the pages, even though I was appalled at the overdramatic language and the gothic subtext of love, loss, longing, and lack of cell phones. Oh, btw, Edward and Bella never get past first base. I'm not kidding. BORING. Not that I wanted to read about their passionate embrace anyway, mind you. That would be just creepy. But Meyer stays true to her rock-solid Mormon faith and the lovin' never goes below the neck. Get it, neck? Vampires? HAHA!

Bottom line, I thought this book was okay. So okay, in fact, that I requested the rest of the series from the library. Hey, at least I can read them for free. :) And Twilight the movie's coming out in November! Uh, totally Netflixing that one, 'kay?

Read any trashy vampire books lately?