A whole new world!

What I'm Listening To: Weekender by Sohodolls

Some women have it easy. They have feet smaller than surfboards, they've never been asked "What's the weather like up there, Stretch?", their hair has never met a curling iron it didn't like, and best of all, they have cute boobs.

Yes, you read that right. Cute boobs. Not huge-ass boobasaurus tit-tastic knocker-licious jugs, just nice, regular, normal-sized boobs that fit in a nice normal-sized bra. They've never cringed when they had to whisper to ask the Victoria Secret saleslady if they stocked double D's. They never had to pass up the 80% off sale on bras because they knew there was no way that the rack could possibly have their mongo size. No matter what Hustler tells you, no matter how sexy those implants look on Nip/Tuck, no matter who tries to motorboat you at the club, I am telling you that having huge boobins is NOT FUN.

Now, I'm not saying that I have a second job as Melissa Mounds down at Silk (though that does sound fun, hey?), but I do think that I am more than qualified to speak about having larger than average boobs. Well, at least I did. After losing 30 lbs (yay!) I now have a more manageable cup size. It's not an A cup by any means, but it's smaller for sure. And you know what that means? More bra options!! Whoo hoooooo!! No more grandma bras from the planet Platex! No more 8 hooks in the back and 2-inch thick shoulder straps that make your boobs look so unappetizing that even your husband, the man who is stuck with you for life and has to have sex with you no matter what, is disgusted by the thing. So hell yes I am going shopping for some boulder holders!

When something is beyond your reality, you are stuck with your dreams. We tittywhompuses all have a dream bra that we can never own. For me, my fantasy bra was this Frederick's of Hollywood balconet dealie in forest green satin that had too much lace and only two hooks in the back. Of course the thing only goes up to 36C, so yeah, dare to dream.

In an effort to aim a little lower, I thought now's my chance to find the most elusive creature in Bra Land, the strapless bra that actually fits. With the bigger sizes, strapless bras are basically a scientific impossibility. It's like trying to fly an elephant. No bra can prop up two huge boobs in any natural manner without two fat shoulder straps to help out with the tonnage. So I had pretty much given up hope.

But now, well, I have to tell you, it happened. I found the golden ticket! I actually found a strapless bra that fits, and to top it all off, looks good on me. YAY!!! I bought it in black and beige, duh. And it has detachable straps too, so if I want a racer back or a halter bra style, I can add the straps and there you go!

For me, this is kinda like being told you couldn't walk and suddenly, like Sean on last night's Nip/Tuck, you can! It's a WHOLE NEW WORLD, people. And I am so excited, because I'm like a kid in a candy store! It's boggling my little mind just thinking about it. Halters! Tube tops! Off the shoulder! One shoulder! Teeny spaghetti straps! The list is endless, and I am ready. I cannot wait to get out there and shop myself silly!!

So if you are at Lela or Luci or Macy's or H&M and you hear some chick exclaiming "YESSSS!" at the top of her lungs from a dressing room, it's probably me trying on my 50th halter top and lovin' it! Wish me luck!