What I'm Listening To: You're the Best Thing by Style Council (I heart you Paul Weller!!!)Did you know ghosts are real? Yes, yes they are. Well, according to all the ghost and paranormal shows on television, ghosts are real alright – a real nuisance.
How do I know so much about ghosts and the paranormal? I have probably watched every ghost show on TV – all 8,394 of them. Seriously, there is a show for every ghost kink you could possibly have – paranormal “true story” recreation (A Haunting) kids with psychic powers led around by an old queen (Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal), Jersey Shore wannabes that like to taunt ghosts at old landmarks (Ghost Adventures), and your various scientific teams of “curious people” searching for paranormal evidence (Ghost Hunters). It’s unreal. (Get it? Unreal? I am funneee!!!)
I should start by saying that I totally believe in ghosts, the paranormal, demons, all that jazz. So these shows were like crack to me. Especially shows like A Haunting, where they’d recreate true “haunting” stories, with the victims kinda narrating along with the recreation. That show was so freaky that I’d only watch it with Jim sitting next to me on the couch, in broad daylight. It was only after like the fifth time I’d watch a demon take over someone’s body, though, that I could watch it by myself.
And since I’ve watched every ghost show ever made, and I fully believe in the paranormal, I think that makes me enough of an expert to provide you, my simple reader, with some “ghost lessons”, based on these fabulous shows. Sit back and prepare to be edjumacated!
Ghost Lesson #1: Kids = Haunting.
Every episode of A Haunting is about a family. Never is there one episode about some random single dude playing XBOX all day who gets scared to death by a demon who beats him at Badge of Honor, nope. The show always features a mom and kids, or a dad and kids, or grandma and kids. Sometimes a dog, sure, but always kids.
Bottom line, kids are always in the picture somehow when a house is haunted. So if you don’t want a haunted house or demons, or a mean-ass spirit waking you up at all hours of the night, don’t have kids. How’s that as a plug for birth control?
Ghost Lesson #2: Bed sheets will protect you from ghosts.
Did you know ghosts are afraid of cotton? Yes, if you pull your bed sheets over your head, the ghosts will leave. They do not like sheets, or for that matter, any type of bedding. My mom told me that one.
Ghost Lesson #3: Ghosts do not like to be teased.
There’s this one ghost show that basically consists of these three juicehead dudes visiting old haunted landmark places. They lock themselves in the building from dusk til dawn, turn off all the lights, and wander around with night vision goggles while they film and record ghost-y stuff. Then they yell and taunt the supposed ghosts and spirits to stop being cowards and come out and play! OMG, it’s like the best show on TV!
First of all, let’s talk about these dudes, because they are awesome. Hailing from Las Vegas (totally figures because that's where awesome was born!), Zak and the other two guys are covered in tattoos and muscles. Where they don’t have a tattoo, they have a muscle bulging out. Their wardrobe consists of sparkly Ed Hardy style t-shirts and jeans. I’ve never seen them wear anything that didn’t either have rhinestones, a huge cross or a skull on it – seriously!
I can’t remember the other guys’ names – because honestly they are just background noise compared to the wonder that is Zak Bagans. I heart him and his bossy top ways. He is covered in muscles, Ed Hardy, tattoos, AXE body spray, and of course my undying admiration. And the ghosts heart him too, since they seem to attack him the most. One ghost even was caught on tape saying “I hate Zak!” That is awesome!!! I wish a ghost would hate me, and on tape, even! I am lime green jello!!! Call me, Zak! Please!!!
Overall, just let me say one thing that isn’t two things: If I saw a ghost, I would poop my burlap pants. No lie. Not try to talk to it, not ask it what was wrong, not try to help, nothing like that. Leave that ghost whisperer stuff to Jennifer Love Hewitt, for cripe's sake. For real, I would be rooted to the spot in my poopy pants. So please, if you die, don’t come find me all ghost-y. Unless you like cowards or you have toilet paper. Thank you.
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