Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Don't get your undies in a bundle!

What I'm Listening To: Can I Get Get Get by Junior Senior

I was in the locker room at the gym last night. Don’t even get me started about those women who think that the words “locker room” actually translates to “exhibitionism alley”, prancing around naked as they blow dry their hair, or hold long involved conversations with their boobies sticking out. No, that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.

I would like to turn your attention to the undergarments of some of these ladies, especially the older ladies. Now, as my circle of life comes around another bend, I really have begun to distinguish as to what “older” means – now that I’m almost “older” myself. Older is like…over 70. Ha!! But back to today’s topic, which is…wait for it…granny panties.

What are granny panties, you ask? Well, they are waist-high nylon underpants. They come in either industrial-strength beige or dingy grey – honestly, could you imagine a printed granny panty? I mean, what would the print be? Sparkly walkers? Cute orthopedic shoes? A Depends pad or two? The mind boggles.


And why do older ladies insist on wearing this style of underwear? Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone under 60 wearing these underpants. Do you hit a certain age and one day, doot doo doot, walking to your mailbox and wow! It’s a package from the Granny Panty Patrol. “Dear Mrs. Jones – Welcome to the world of being an Older Lady. Now that you’ve reached this pinnacle of lady-dom, please accept our humble gift of your first pair of Granny Panties. Wear them with pride, Granny!” That’s just wrong, R-O-N-G.

Because guess what? It’s AMERICA, land of the free and home of the sexyback, and a LADY can wear ANY underpants she wants – at ANY age! For realz! You can go to Target, or Vickie’s, or hell, even Frederick’s of Hollywood you hot slut, and they won’t turn you away from the lingerie just because you’re an Older Lady. So why wear those granny panty monstrosities? You don’t see Samantha from Sex and the City wearing granny panties, and she’s like a million! Chua!

I’d love to hear from some Older Ladies as to why you’ve chosen to wear these undergarments. Is it that you think you can’t rock a thong anymore? Is it you have a secret penchant for wearing tatty beige nylon near your lady bits? Please reveal the mystery! Or better yet, throw those nasty things out and wear a hot pink lacy number next time you’re hitting the gym. My undergarment sensibilities will thank you.

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