Friday, February 19, 2010

Everybody's a Comedian...except me.


What I'm Listening To: Paranoiattack by The Faint

Last week I watched the movie “Funny People”, the one with Adam Sandler and the now svelte (but still a disgusting shlep) Seth Rogen. Click on the link to learn more about it if you haven’t seen it already.

First off, I haven’t been to a live comedy show in like a million years. In fact, I don’t think I’ve EVER been to one. And this movie makes me NEVER want to go to see a comic live. Is that all it is? A fat dude standing on stage, telling me about what his balls might say to his dick? That is stupid. I’m just saying, all the comedy in this movie basically consisted of jokes having to do with genitalia, scatology and impotence. Uh, whatever happened to intelligent humor? Does that not exist anymore? Or are comics just too lazy to get past the laughs they receive when reveling the crowd with their “oh, and then my balls said…” type of humor. I am soooo not interested in hearing that your butthole said hi to your taint. That is totally lame and that signifies to ME that the person is a total lazy comedian. But hey, no one said that Adam Sandler was talented. “Lunch Lady Land”? Snort. I have sung better songs DRUNK – and RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD!! Whatevs.

Hey, I do NOT envy Adam Sandler and his ilk, though. Being comedian looks like it would be really tough. If you’ve been following along with this blog over the year or so, you have probably laughed out loud at the misadventures of me – from Barbie in her clog to sex-crazed roomies to my suggestions for Halloween treats for teenagers. So hey, maybe I AM funny, whatever that means to you. I make up stupid songs. I adopt ridiculous catch phrases that everyone seems to start using. I’m pretty good at comic timing, if I may say so myself. I write a silly blog about my so-called life. But could I get up in front of a roomful of people and do a “comedy routine”? Hellz no!

Don’t think I haven’t thought about it. I mean, sure. Everyone’s probably seen some crappy comic on TV and been like, “Hey, I could do that!” If anyone loves attention and making people laugh, it’s me. But the thing is, what might be funny sitting around at the bar with your friends, or lying in bed with your husband, or written online, or joking around at the lunch table, is probably not going to go over well when you try to talk it through on a stage. And my humor relies on mostly inside jokes and situations in their organic setting – not trying to describe a conversation my boobs might have with my butt. I mean, come on. That’s just gross. Besides, my boobs haven't spoken to my butt since high school ... all because of that one guy. Chua!

So I will stick to pouring the tea, ending every other sentence with "chua!" and singing dumb songs about crab cakes and table vultures, thank you very much. So don’t haunt any comedy clubs waiting for me to go on. I’ll probably be the one in the front row heckling! HA!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Sigh...once again 90s clothes were awful!



Okay, I'm kinda hidden behind my partner-in-party, Sarah. But you get the idea.


What I'm Listening To: Tall Boy by Har Mar Superstar

I know I’ve talked about this in the past, but god, 90s clothes sucked. I can’t believe what we considered fashionable clothing back then. And we actually left the house in these hideous outfits!!!

I just was talking with my hairdresser about my “go-to” outfit for going to The Cardinal, a dance club in Madison, back when I was college. Okay, you’re gonna love this.

My idea of a HAWT outfit to go to the club started with a snap-crotch dark heather grey stretch cotton bodysuit from J. Crew. It had long sleeves and a scoop neck. Okay, let’s stop here. A BODYSUIT? COME ON!!! That’s just R-O-N-G wrong. You are supposed to wear body suits UNDER stuff, but hey, not me!!!! And even though the sides of the top were starting to pill, and the scoop neck made me look like I had a monoboob, it didn’t matter. I was HAWT, people!!!!

Then I would wear a big baggy pair of men’s jeans from the Gap. All through high school and college I wore mens jeans, no lie. I think the final time I wore womens jeans was in like 8th grade. They were these super cute black pinstriped skinny jeans from Express with a zipper at the ankle. They were soooooo cute, but they made my feet look like surfboards. Oh well. Then I’d top this sexasaurus outfit off with a bulky black belt with a big silver buckle, and men’s black oxford shoes because my mom wouldn’t buy me a $100 pair of Doc Marten’s.

My only jewelry was a moonstone wrapped in wire along with a nasty silver celtic cross on a dog tags chain. No earrings. I think I was still wearing my high school class ring at this time, but not sure. I never did anything to style my hair – just let it air dry and just blow dried my bangs so they’d stay straight across my forehead. *rolls eyes*. It was hilarious.

Oh, and here’s a photo to get your morning started off right. Enjoy!

What effed up outfits did you wear in the 90s and thought were cute?